A Little Note on Confidence
One of the questions I always ask at intake is what are your goals for our work together? What would show you that therapy has been successful? Almost unanimously, clients respond with some version of “I just want to be more confident.” When I hear that response, I want to learn more about what that actually means.
Ok, that’s simple…Confidence is walking into a room and feeling good about yourself. Confidence is feeling sure of your choices and not second guessing whether your new hire is a good fit, or whether you bought the right colored shoes for your kid’s graduation. Confidence is looking in the mirror and liking what you see.
But is there more to it?
Yes. Confidence isn’t just all of those things…I mean, yes, it may include all of those things, but it’s not something you’re just born with. No one is born with confidence. Confidence is a regular practice of doing things even when they’re not that exciting or easy. When you do things that are challenging, your brain loves it.
Think of a child riding a bike successfully for the first time. Maybe they are wobbly at first, gripping the handlebars rigidly and turning rather unsteadily. But eventually, they are able to keep their balance and start riding with no support. The confidence they feel starts with practicing over and over, even when they fall and have to get back up. It comes with the words echoing from mom or dad saying “You got this!” In the background. Continuing to practice and truly believing they can results in confidence.
There’s actually a part of the brain that’s responsible for this. The anterior midcingulate cortex (aMCC) becomes super activated when we do difficult things. Like a muscle, it becomes stronger every time you complete a difficult or challenging task. This part of our brain tells us to keep going when things get tough, and the more you flex it, the stronger your willpower becomes. According to neuroscience, people who are more successful financially, healthwise, and career wise have been shown to have stronger aMCC regions.
By now I bet you’re asking “How do I ‘flex’ this part of the brain though?”
The answer is probably less sexy than you’d expect. Step 1-Find something you are not super excited to do. Whether it’s decluttering your entryway table, finally responding to that email you’ve been delaying, or actually getting up when your alarm rings (the first time). It all starts with identifying one thing you aren’t super stoked about. Step 2-Do just 1 thing, and reflect on how you feel when you finish it. That is the sweetspot where your brain will start to rewire from “I’m not good at ___” to “I am capable.” Step 3-Do it again. And again. And again. The important thing is for you to make this a practice, especially on days when you might not feel your absolute best.
When you consistently challenge yourself in this way AND reflect on your effort, you actively rewire the neural pathways that formerly held you back and kept you stuck in a sense of lack. The active reflection portion reminds your body that you can do difficult things, and allows you to feel more motivated.
Active reflection is super important when working on your confidence. Most people lose momentum quickly in a task/habit because they don’t allow themselves the time or space to truly reflect on how it felt to overcome a challenge. We simply haven’t been taught to feel proud of ourselves regularly, so we omit that from our experiences. But once you can acknowledge that you’re proud of yourself without wincing in the mirror, you’ll develop true confidence. Eventually, this confidence shows up in other areas of life, which is the goal.
Being confident starts with feeling confident. Feeling confident starts with your inner monologue. Your inner monologue dictates how you show up.
Hope this helps.
X,
Yana